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I'm not quite sure how to define that word. I think in this context, it's a temporary feeling of content or pleasure that's a reaction to the immediate cause of the feeling, such as eating some good cheese or fixing something that's broken. If that's the case, then I think it'd be possible to feel happy even when not feeling good.

Today I learned another acquaintence committed suicide, and while we weren't close, it's still a bit of a pressure point to consider, for me personally in the wake of losing my mom (which will be a month tomorrow. It's gone by so fast, it still feels like yesterday). He left back in March, and while I'm not surprised that out of all the people in the world to go, it was him, but regardless, it's not something you'd expect (or quite frankly should be expecting) on a regular basis.

The other day I was listening to a podcast where one of the people was describing how morbid it is to write a will and having to face one's mortality as such, and I think I've just become desensitized to it all because I've been with it for so long now, death was always right around the corner, and with it being here now, it's quite a paradigm shift. I'm not sure how to feel.

Today I was happy for the most part because I made yogurt from scratchfor the first time, and it turned out reasonably good, I also made some art and rewired some parts of the house. The combination of producing good quality stuff, but being in a shitty situation that's beyond my control leads to an odd dichotimy of having a great life, but also really not.

I believe the technical term for this is situational depression or an adjustment disorder (though I find that depression and disorder may be too strong of words for what I am experiencing), and I think it really comes down to death and required social limitations. I was hoping to meet people after having recently moved to a new city, however the pandemic has had other plans, so here's hoping the upcoming vaccine(s?) will work as well as intended, because I would like some mental health and "normality" back, even though for me personally, there wasn't really any normal to begin with.

Searching for homeostasis is a constant battle and would be very nice to have.

I know everyone's been saying it, but I speak for myself when I say 2020 can go fuck itself.