About Me

Blog

Work Experience

Project Portfolio

Contact

Return to Homepage

I'm an engineer first and foremost. I'm very good at keeping my head in stressful situtions, but I am not good at expressing my emotions as well as I would hope to be (working on that still). So taking care of my mom as she's dying has been the absolute hardest thing I've had to do. Not physically demanding aside from lifting her up, but emotionally draining. Watching someone you've known your whole life slowly fade into a shell of what they once were is painful in a way I cannot express in words; especially as that person is a role model of strength.

In the last week I've seen her muscles atrophy from being able to stand and walk stifly to not being able to walk at all without help (much less stand up from a chair or toilet), and seen her mind go from sharp like you and I to barely able to speak. The transition has been so swift, faster than I could have imagined, and it's just been so difficult to deal with.

I'm so thankful for my friends and family who have reached out and let me just open the floodgates (which, if you're reading this, includes you (no takesy backsies)).

My cousin told me that many people would run from taking care of their parents. I wouldn't blame anyone for doing so because it's not an easy thing, but I don't think I could forgive myself if I did that because a) it's not fair because she raised me, and b) I'm not one to run from my problems or a challenge. I just need to learn how to be a human and express my emotions in a healthy manner rather than penning them up (though that is a useful skill when utilized correctly because it means you can defer them till later, but penning them up for too long is the issue (and where I am at)).

It's not like we didn't know this day was coming, we knew three years ago, but that doesn't really make it any easier. In the past, the future is always "some day", but now it's Today, and it goes by way too fast. Remember to give people flowers while they're still around to smell them.

I'll be honest, I'm not sure where I want this post to go, but I just need somewhere to vent a bit. It's a time like this that I wish I had a significant other to lean on because doing it by myself is possible, but not exactly pleasant or easy, but that's a whole other can of worms that boils down to bad timing and me just needing to be patient and work on myself.

If there's one thing that I've learned from watching my mom fight cancer for the last fifteen years is that science works miracles, is not infallible, and that life is precious and should never be taken for granted. There's no sense in living a life of misery; it's just not worth it.