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I'm hoping that 2020 will follow the new Star Wars Movie and be (at least marginally) better than the past couple years. So far it appears to be as I finally have some stability especially in a physical sense. I've counted having moved fourteen times during my college career, so it will be nice to settle down in one place, if even just for a couple years.

Moving isn't nessecarily stressful to me at this point, but the fact that I have been uprooted so many times means a few things: I've met many new people, made new friends (and new acquaintances), and had many positive experiences that I otherwise would have missed out on if I was in one place. On the flip side, there were a number of down sides, namely that there was nowhere to grow into.

It really was reminiscent of living with my parents, but instead of being spatially unstable (having two household that I would have to flip-flop between), I was temporally unstable (coming home to the same place for a period of time before having to flip to a new place). Both of these are completely destructive to attempting to build a stable and healthy life (now I'm not blaming my parents, they did what they thought was best, and really divorce is a no-win solution), and really I've never experienced true stability.

There are things that many take for granted when having a stable life such as not feeling the need to hide certain things from one side to not upset the other side, having to keep friends away because they can't understand the schedule or multiple addresses, and really just being ashamed of my situation. This has left me emotionally stunted because I've never had an emotional role model to look to that wasn't trying to use me for something or was able to talk about things especially when it concerns a relationship.

Cheating will destroy the trust of your spouse, but divorce will destroy the trust of your children.

Thankfully my friends now are starting to grow up and get into meaningful relationships themselves, so I'd like to look to them for guidance on having and holding a person.

Temporal unstability has led me to a minimalist lifestyle where I feel uncomfortable having even relatively "normal" amounts of material possessions, which is both good and bad as I have become comfortable with little, but also comfortable being by myself which often leads me to further isolation. Now my choice of collegiate study of engineering didn't necessarily help as I was nose to the grindstone with work, and while productive and educational, I was more machine than man.

So combining emotional isolation in personal spaces with lack of physical identity really left me without a self that I can identify now that all of it is over, beyond that of simple prefrontal cortex development. This is rearing its ugly head now that I want to move on with my life where it's imperitive to know oneself so as to be a healthy functioning adult.

This year will be a time to breathe, relax and reflect over the past two decades and see where I can progress and what I can do to enrich my life and the lives around me both intellectually and emotionally.